Question: Dear MamaCapps, My Mother is very Ill and lives with her sister who is also Ill. As much as I don’t want to I’m going to have to approach her about a nursing home. My brother is against it but he can’t take her either and her doctor says she needs care that we can’t give her. How do I approach her and my brother without seeming like I just want to stick my mom somewhere?
Answer: If your Mother is that Ill and the doctor has recommended a nursing facility then you should really have your Mom and your brother go with you to have the doctor explain to them that she needs that level of care. I have seen families try to care for loved ones who require skilled care. It is difficult on everyone and the patient suffers the most.
There are some really good facilities out there and some not so good. I suggest to make several appointments , and with your brother and Mom, visit them. I could name several good ones but since the one I’m most familiar with is AGAPE, I would suggest to start there. I love their mission statement and the staff. One of which is my daughter. I even suggested it to her for a job and now she loves it. But try visiting several.
You will know you have found the right one when it feels like family. Your Mom didn’t get to her age by being naive. She will know what she needs to do. You and your brother will be much more help to her by being a big part of her life in the facility. There are always things to help out with and she will need you to be her advocate. If the doctor says that she needs care that you can’t give her you should take that seriously.
Also you may ask the doctor about in home care. She may be too ill for that but it is something to discuss with him. I would explain to your brother that you both want your Mothers last years to be active yet injury,pain and stress free. Sometimes this, though difficult, is the kindest and most loving of things you could do for her. Just be sure to be an active part of all that the facility offers. She is their patient but she is your MOM...MamaC
Question: Hi Debbie, I took your advice and am trying to get organized. The thing is , when I started writing down my to do list, I couldn’t stop. It’s so long now that I don’t know where to start. That was my problem before. I get overwhelmed and give up. I know my life is in a mess but I can’t see how I’ll get all this done. Help! JS/MD
Answer: Don’t panic LOL . You have the first step down. Now go through the list and pick out the five most pressing things on it. Put that on your fridge and concentrate on one thing at a time. Mark them off in red as you complete each one. Getting out of the procrastination and feeling overwhelmed takes time. You need to systematically build new habits. Just focus on one thing right now and go to the next only when you can mark that one off.
You will find that seeing the few things getting done will give you a great sense of accomplishment and keep you moving through your list. Hope this helps. MamaC
Many years ago as a little girl I experienced a real encounter with Santa. My faith in Jesus, who introduced Santa to me inspired a song that I wrote which has since become our family song. I wrote the song when I was 14. Even my grandchildren nieces and nephews sing it today. None of them have ever heard the real story behind the song ,so I will write it here. This is a story that even as a grandmother keeps me believing in Santa.
It had been a hard year financially and my Dad had gone to California to find work to no avail. He showed up just before Christmas to my Mama and seven small children. I could tell even at that age that he was angry and that tensions were high. My little brother however never noticed so in his excitement blurted out to him ” Daddy, Whats Santa bringing us for Christmas?” I could see the anger rising in him as he grabbed his coat and reached for the door. On his way out he screamed back ” There’s no such thing as Santa Clause!” For whatever reason we didn’t see him again until after the holidays. Maybe it was his pride or pain that kept him away I don’t know. What I remember is, my mama and all seven of us stood in the doorway and watched as he drove away. I think we all knew at that point that Santa wouldn’t be visiting our house that year.
That Sunday, as the oldest I dressed all the little ones and wrapped the baby. We walked the six blocks to a little church . It was the closest church for us to attend at that time. I remember that I had won a bible there the week before for memorizing the books of the bible. I remember being so thankful when the preacher said anyone could come to the alter to pray for anything. As I gathered the little ones and headed toward the front, I had no idea how to pray. I only knew that I had heard that it was the only way to talk to God. As I reached the alter, and knelt to pray with the baby in my arms and the others pulling at my clothes, I began my prayer something like this.
” Excuse me Lord if I don’t do this right, I promise to practice and get better. I really need to ask a favor today though. My Mama is really worried that maybe Santa doesn’t exist. That may be true but if it’s not, could you please give him a message for me? Would you ask him to please forgive my Dad for what he said about him? He is really stressed and I’m sure didn’t mean it. There are seven of us Lord and if you would let Santa know that it’s OK if it’s just a little bit. Maybe he could bring my brother some shoes. Could you just ask him to give Mama something to make her smile?. Thanks a lot Lord. Oh and just in case you need to know, we live in the yellow house on 5th street. ”
In the days to come I was sure that if there was a Santa I would have gotten a sign . Nothing. No sign of Dad and Mama with no smile. Mama did find a branch that had fallen from a tree in the back yard. It had a little greenery on it. She somehow propped it up in a mop bucket and encouraged us to find things to decorate it with. At last it was at least feeling a little like Christmas! Getting excited about the possibility, we began making cards out of scrap paper and looking for boxes to wrap them in to give to one another. We even borrowed newspaper from a neighbor for wrapping paper.
The next week passed and still no Dad. Food was getting scarce. We had been eating dried beans and biscuits for days. By Christmas eve it was clear to me that there was no Santa and I hadn’t prayed right enough to get God a message. Mama had been hinting that Santa was very busy and might not get to us this year. She did however tell us to keep a watch outside just in case he gets time to stop. Looking back I know that she was just trying to keep our hopes alive even as her heart was breaking and her hopes were shattered. Never the less, my little brother would keep looking out the door. I remember his little voice to this day “Nothin’ yet ya’ll” . As the night grew late Mama said to her yawning children that we should go to bed and check again in the morning. The pain and sorrow in her face was all I needed to know that Daddy was right, Santa didn’t exist. I finished my beans and biscuits and got ready for bed with a heavy heart. If only I had learned how to pray.
Just then, there was a long beep beep beep outside and a squeaking break sound! ” It’s Santa!” my brother said as he ran to the door. Mama didn’t move from her chair at the table but the confused look on her face said that she had no clue who it might be but was sure it wasn’t Santa. I pushed through the others to see out the door but all I could see was an old school bus with a church name on the side. I backed up and looked at my Mama again just in time to hear ” It’s Santa and all his helpers!” said my little sister. Confused my Mama Started toward the door. Before she could get across the room, the doorway was filled with a tall, thin, scraggly looking Santa! No suit just his hat and a shadow of a beard, not hiding warm smile. Behind him were helpers but they were not little people like the elves I expected. They were big people all with Santa hats . Santa didn’t have a bag but a cardboard box filled his arms. Each of the helpers also carried boxes. I think there were twelve.
Mama asked the strange looking Santa “What is this?” But there was only singing as they all walked to the kitchen and put down their boxes. Santa had disappeared and when I looked again he was standing beside the little makeshift tree. I watched in amazement as he handed each child a brand new pair of shoes even Me! How did he know? Did God get my prayer somehow anyway? In addition to the shoes, each child was given a homemade carved toy and a stocking full of little things. Of course we were all excited but when mama called us all to the kitchen to instruct the “say thank you’s” we could see that the boxes were full of food! Man that was a sight! Food to last for years I thought. But then the table was also full with fresh warm cooked food. A feast fit for a king!
In all of the excitement no one talked but the kids. The helpers and Santa just kept singing. Then silence, as Santa spoke. “May we have a word of prayer before we leave?” I swear I heard” to the North Pole” but I was very young. A short prayer was said by Santa. It ended with ” Thank You Jesus.” Then I knew it! Santa doesn’t just exist he know Jesus too! Before he could say amen, my Mama’s voice, low and shaking, began to pray. I heard her thanking God for Santa and Jesus. Then with tears streaming down she thanked them for coming and they were all gone. This was the best Christmas I can remember even though it was never again so tough. This was the Christmas that Jesus introduced me to the real Santa Clause!
For the last almost 45 years when my children and grandchildren ask if Santa Clause is real, I just smile and sing to them what has become our family song “I believe in Santa Clause cause I believe in Jesus”. There has never been a year that I have not been blessed to happen upon a family in hard times at Christmas. I and my children have counted it as an honor to share what we have at this time of year. Though they have grown up with the song I wrote years later when I was 14, they had never known the story behind the song until now. My cousin asked a while back for the words to the song saying she couldn’t get the tune out of her head. I was honored that even my extended family still remember it.
No matter how well I have it or how many things I get or give for Christmas, that Christmas so very long ago will stand forever in my heart as the best of all. I look at all the presents today that flow from under the tree and beyond and am reminded. The stack of presents by the door awaiting someone else’s tree are the most precious gifts of all. Merry Christmas to all of my family and friends. For me Christmas is all about Jesus saying. ” Yes Debbie, there is a Santa Clause!
Question : Hi Miss Debbie, I think I have really screwed up. I am half way through nursing school and have had a blast. I really love his stuff. But now that I am doing my clinicals, with real people. I think I may not be cut out to be a nurse. I cry all the time. My heart breaks to see the elderly in pain. I know it will be worse when I get to the little kids. I have invested so much time and money now. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t broke down in front of them yet, but I go to the bathroom and just ball. I don’t know how people do it. This is so sad. I really want to be a nurse more than anything but afraid I won’t be any good to them. Was it this way for you? Am I just not cut out to do this and if not this, what should I do now?? Thanks for everything BM/SC
Answer: Babydoll, You are exactly what it takes to be a nurse and a good one.! In answer to your question YES I cried. Most do. Those who don’t, usually want to. If not, they should. Just imagine t you are caring for your Grandmother,Sister, Mom or Dad. Would you want someone to care for them who didn’t care enough to cry sometimes?
I’ve been on both sides of that stethoscope. I can assure you that given a choice, I would rather have you dropping tears in my wounds, than some who would drop nothing or feel nothing. Try not to cry while doing a dressing though ! LOL. Things will get better and you will cry less. I hope that you will never let yourself feel less or have less empathy.
Go and have a good cry when you need to. Don’t take the tears home with you. Know that when you leave there , someones life has been made a little easier just because you care. You will see many sad and disgusting things. However, the fulfillment you will have at a “thank you” or knowing that you made a difference, will warm you to the core. You are made of all the right stuff to be a nurse ! Wash your face, put on a smile and get back out there! I only hope that when I, or my family really needs a nurse, that it’s your beautiful teary eyed face that walks in the door.
GO GET YOUR DREAMS LITTLE ONE! You’ve only screwed up if you quit! Mama Capps
