I am the father of 5 beautiful children. I was a successful business man for many years. A few years ago I was in an accident and became disabled. At that time my wife of 10 years had not worked since our first child. She was I thought gracious in going back to work while I became Mr Mom during my recovery. It was a year before I was able to return to working to support my wife and children but in that time my wife had met someone on her job at the bank and started an affair.
We have gone to counseling and I thought it was all over. I recently discovered that her affair never ended and now she is pregnant for him . She says the child is mine and she is sorry but we have not been intimate in some time. If this is my child, then I am wondering why when I asked her to move out while I clear my head, did she move in with her boyfriend when her mother is right across town.
Everyone tells me to wake up and divorce her and forget her. I have my children and she visits them occasionally. I know I have been blind for many years but I have loved this woman with all my heart for all of them. I have taken her back twice for this same affair but now even my little 8 year old says “Dad no more!” I know it’s time to move on but I don’t think I’ll ever find a woman who wants a man with 5 kids. I’m not sure I’m ready to be alone or that I can raise these children alone.
If this child is not mine I have decided to divorce her. But if it is, what then? How do I also take care of a newborn without a mom? I am my company’s problem solver. I look like the fool of the century. Your advice would be much appreciated. KB/T,WA
Answer: Dear KB,
My heart goes out to you sweetie. I have a friend who recently experienced some of the same issues. First let me say that you my friend, are not the fool so get over that. You are a wonderful father in that, you have kept them and their well being first in your life. The fact that you were blind to what was going on is only that you were in love with the mother of your children. Those who will criticize you for that are wrong.
That being said, it is time for you to get through your mourning process and do what you need to do to end this madness for the kid’s sake. It is not time to look for another woman or to hate your wife. It is time to look realistically at this whole situation from a different perspective. You were quick to get a marriage counselor but did you know that getting one for yourself, is one of the best things you can do for your self and children? You didn’t cause this madness but you are responsible for stopping it. You are worth the same consideration you gave your failing marriage
You are obviously not ready for the whole divorce thing so let me make some suggestions. I suggest that you get a legal separation with a court order request for a paternity test. This will give you the time to process all that has happened and wait to see if this other child is yours. Make no long term decisions until then and meanwhile invest in yourself with some counseling. Your children may also benefit from the same. I strongly suggest that you have absolutely no contact with your wife for this period of time. Darlin’ you really need a total separation from her for you to get clear on where you are and what you want. Have her visit the children in a mutual place like parents so you do not have to have contact with her. It is very important that you and she have the time apart to get through the ocean of emotions that will hit you in the days to come.
Lastly my dear friend, make no decisions yay or nay until you have spent some time alone. Get to know yourself and love that person. You are a phenomenal person and you need to know that. As far as finding a woman who will love you and your family, I assure you there are many of them out there who would love to have such a hero as yourself. You are a hero. To your family right now you have to be their hero and take care of your emotional health. Mama has officially declared you Superman. Just stay away from the Cryptonite until you get your strength back. Am sending you my suggestions for counselors and a follow-up link. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. You are a HERO and YOU CAN DO THIS! LOVE and HUGS)) Mama Capps
Question: Debbie, I have a friend that is going through a real hard time and I’m trying to help him. I have given my best advice on the subject and I am a pro in that area. It seems that every thing I suggest he finds a reason why he thinks that won’t work. He asks for advice but then finds everything wrong with the advice I give him. I know you deal with people all the time and I was wondering, do you think he really wants advice at all or is he just wanting to vent?JS/SC
Answer: Well sweetie I can tell you this. A wise man once told me that “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” . It may be that all he needs is to vent. But then if he is asking advice of you it might be that just repeating his question back to him might lead him to the answer he is seeking.
Sometimes the best advice one can give is “Look into your heart and listen to what it says” I think your friend would benefit if you do more listening than advising. That is truly sometimes all that is needed. You are a good friend for trying to help him. Now just try to love him through it. MamaCapps
Question: Dear MamaCapps, My Mother is very Ill and lives with her sister who is also Ill. As much as I don’t want to I’m going to have to approach her about a nursing home. My brother is against it but he can’t take her either and her doctor says she needs care that we can’t give her. How do I approach her and my brother without seeming like I just want to stick my mom somewhere?
Answer: If your Mother is that Ill and the doctor has recommended a nursing facility then you should really have your Mom and your brother go with you to have the doctor explain to them that she needs that level of care. I have seen families try to care for loved ones who require skilled care. It is difficult on everyone and the patient suffers the most.
There are some really good facilities out there and some not so good. I suggest to make several appointments , and with your brother and Mom, visit them. I could name several good ones but since the one I’m most familiar with is AGAPE, I would suggest to start there. I love their mission statement and the staff. One of which is my daughter. I even suggested it to her for a job and now she loves it. But try visiting several.
You will know you have found the right one when it feels like family. Your Mom didn’t get to her age by being naive. She will know what she needs to do. You and your brother will be much more help to her by being a big part of her life in the facility. There are always things to help out with and she will need you to be her advocate. If the doctor says that she needs care that you can’t give her you should take that seriously.
Also you may ask the doctor about in home care. She may be too ill for that but it is something to discuss with him. I would explain to your brother that you both want your Mothers last years to be active yet injury,pain and stress free. Sometimes this, though difficult, is the kindest and most loving of things you could do for her. Just be sure to be an active part of all that the facility offers. She is their patient but she is your MOM...MamaC
